For most of my life I have felt a loving, powerful, womanly presence with me. It has felt divine. Like an angel. Like a mother. I do not know exactly what she is. I do not know if it is an angel, the divine mother, God, imagination, or my higher self. I really do not know. I only know that I have sensed it, again and again, in the background of my life. It has guided me. It has helped me. And I have come to believe something else. This presence has drawn extraordinary loving women into my life.
That is the part I still cannot explain. I am a spiritual person. I meditate. I have always been drawn to the inner life. But I am a very average guy. I am not especially charming. I am not especially social. For a lot of my adult life I have been a homebody. I go out into nature almost every day, and exercise a lot. So, it’s not like I’m just stuck in the house. But, I have often felt reclusive, and like kind of a loner. I have an aversion to being around other people. I do not feel like I deserve special loving treatment. But, somehow, this divine, angel-like presence has been there.
The first time I felt this presence in a way I could never forget, I was six years old. My parents had been divorced for a couple of years. My dad had us every other weekend. That was only about four days a month. Because of that, we did not have our own bedroom at his house with his new wife. They had a guest room with a queen bed. We slept there. The room felt stale. It was not a children’s room. It felt like a hotel. It did not feel like ours. It did not feel welcoming. My little brother was my best friend then. He was three and a half years younger than me. Up to that point in my life, I had almost never been alone. I had my brother, or my mom, or my grandmother.
One night my dad and his new wife went out. This was the 1980’s They were still in their twenties, so they were young parents, in today’s terms. They put me to bed and left. My brother was not there. He was sick, so he stayed with my mom. I was six years old, alone in that house. I was really scared. I lay in bed and could not fall asleep. The room was totally dark. I was on my side, turned away from the door. Then I heard the bedroom door open. I knew nobody was home. Yet, I also I knew someone was in the room. I was hesitant to look. But I was not actually scared in the way you might expect. I felt the presence of a loving older woman.
I sensed her walk close to the bed. Then she sat beside me. I was crying because I was alone, and missed my brother. The woman, who must have been a ghost or an angel of some sort, stroked my forehead. She soothed me. I felt love. I felt like everything was going to be okay. I knew no one was actually in the house. I also knew this was as real as any other experience I have ever had. I felt her hand on my forehead. I knew it was an angel. I knew it was a special, powerful moment.
I have felt that same motherly presence throughout much of my life since then. Even before I was officially meditating, I was extremely drawn to the spiritual side of life. As I got older, I began to notice a pattern. Whenever I needed love, patience, or guidance, a real woman would appear. It has felt as if that divine feminine presence was sending them, or walking with them, or working through them.
My mother was the first of those women. Maybe most parents love their children. I think that is often true. What is not a given is a parent who really sacrifices, and who really puts a child’s needs first. That is special. I felt that from my mom. I felt genuinely loved. I felt lucky. My mom was in her early twenties when my parents divorced. She had a high school diploma. She had never had a career. She had no college education. She was a young divorced woman with no job and two young children. She had to work. She had to put herself through college. Over time she built a career as a school teacher. She did that while raising us. She put us first. She was a strong woman and a loving mother.
My grandma was another woman who genuinely loved me and my brothers. Because my mom was so busy working and going to school, my grandma helped raise us. She lived on a farm, a vineyard. After school we would go there and live like farm boys. We worked. We explored. She played with us. It was really fun. I felt genuinely loved by her. Looking back, it is hard not to see them as the first earthly forms of that same love. A mother. A grandmother. And behind them, some deeper form of love.
High school was somewhat hard, especially at first. I did not really fit in with any of the groups. There were the jocks, the smart kids, the nerds, the hicks, the skaters, the party kids. I was just a normal kid. I did not belong to any of them. Then, when I was sixteen, a girl took interest in me. It felt like a miracle. She was way out of my league. I still do not know what she saw in me. We became close friends. We fell in love. We stayed together for six years, through a lot of high school and college. She genuinely loved me. We were very close. We even dreamed of getting married. This is another example of a genuinely loving woman coming into my life at a time when I honestly felt I did not deserve it. I felt like a loner. I felt awkward. I had some friends, but not a lot. Once I got together with her, we fell into a niche with other kids like us. We were not part of the main groups. It was sort of an anti-group. Even then, it felt like something larger than chance had guided her into my life.
When I was twenty-two, I met Sunyata. She is a powerful, loving woman who would become my spiritual teacher and career mentor for the rest of my adult life. I went to one of her meditation workshops on a college campus. As soon as we meditated together, I knew she was my teacher. I had an incredibly powerful meditation experience. I felt deeply bonded to her right away. She did not ask for anything. She did not expect anything from me. There was a profound connection between us. This kind of relationship is hard to put into words. It is not common in the Western setting. It is not romantic. It is not sexual. It is not a family relationship. The teacher and apprentice relationship is an ancient tradition. It goes back many thousands of years. Humanity has largely lost respect for it, because it does not fit our modern categories. It connects back to an older human heritage. Meditation has been passed down through oral tradition for countless thousands of years, long before recorded history. That is the kind of relationship I have had with Sunyata.
She has been incredibly patient and loving. For more than twenty years she has helped me make countless positive changes. She has stuck by my side. She has helped me through difficult situations again and again. She never turned her back on me. She has given me a million second chances. She has always seen my higher self. She helped me tremendously with developing a career in tech. She helped me learn to meditate and find the silence within. She is an extraordinary person in my life. She has shown me, and so many others, extraordinary love. I am lucky to have met her. If that angelic presence has had a human face in my adult life, it is often hers.
I am in my mid to late forties now. I’ve been single for a lot of my adult life. It has been hard for me to maintain a relationship with a woman. Why was I single? That is a whole different story. To summarize, a lot of things from my childhood left me not really knowing how to develop and keep a relationship. Honestly, I think most women felt I was kind of awkward, not that fun, kind of a homebody. But there is a happy ending. Now I have a very loving girlfriend. She genuinely gets me. She loves me for who I am. This is very special, at least for me. It feels extremely precious and rare. Most women I’ve dated have not valued my core self the way she does. She sees my real self. She helps bring it out.
Here is a recent example. Jon Batiste was playing a concert near where we live. She had wanted to go for a while in advance. But, we didn’t buy tickets because we had other tentative plans that night. Also, I’m generally hesitant to go out nowadays. I’m pretty antisocial and reclusive. I usually prefer to be at home. She encouraged me to go because I love Jon Batiste. I listen to his music almost every day. The albums, Black Mozart, and Beethoven Blues, are incredible!
We had a great experience at the concert. Jon Batiste is a great live performer. I even had a powerful spiritual experience while he was playing Beethoven. It felt like the perfect example of a loving woman in my life coaxing me into a positive experience. My girlfriend is very patient and understanding. And, I reciprocate that to her. She has her own difficulties. I am very patient and understanding with her. We give that to each other. That is why our relationship has worked. We hardly ever fight. She sees me and loves me, and I see her and love her. That is all anyone really wants.
Once again, it felt like that same guidance. A loving woman arriving. Patience. Understanding. A nudge toward a fuller life. The divine feminine presence I have felt since I was a child, still at work. I really do not feel like I deserve special loving treatment. So it is perplexing. Why have there been so many extraordinary, loving women in my life?
One of my best and closest friends is also a woman. I had met her in my mid 20s, but we became really close in my late 20's early 30's when I was having a really hard time. We traveled to India together. We lived in an amazing meditation ashram for a couple months in Southern India. We've supported each other through so many things and have remained friends for 20 years. She has always been a true friend to me, and I try to be that for her.
There is another part of this too. I’m generally very lucky. Things often work out for me, even financially. I did not have great education or career prospects until I met Sunyata. She was my career mentor. She helped me get into tech, which is one of the most lucrative industries. I have also been lucky with investing. There have been times I could make money in the stock market basically using my intuition. There have been countless times when things just worked out. I have known other spiritual people who have a really hard time with the physical world. Nothing seems to work out for them. Their life is not really together. They do not have enough money. They do not have a good relationship, a good car, whatever. Maybe they did not have good parents. Or they do not have good health. For some reason I cannot really understand, I have been lucky. At least so far…fingers crossed. Good health. A good mother. A good grandma. Loving women all throughout my life. Help with my career, so there is money flowing. It honestly feels like some kind of lucky energy. I feel it is related to that angelic, divine presence I have felt in the background of my life. For some reason it is helping me. I do not feel like I deserve it. I do not fully understand it. I only know that it has been there. I have spent my life as an ordinary guy who somehow kept being met by extraordinary love. I still do not know why. I am grateful anyway.